Goodbye, my love

27 February 2021

Today, it was supposed to be the day that we were to tie the knot.
Me walking down the aisle to you

Be husband and wife.
Partners for life
Forever until the end.

It was to be the date I remember saying "I do" to the love of my life.
But instead, today will be the date that marks me saying goodbye and closing that chapter of my life. 
As you left me two months ago...


Dear you, 

I love you. Even to this day, writing this final letter to you, I still love you.

I loved you so much that I can't imagine a life without you. Life wouldn't be worth living without you. Even the thought of you not being with me would bring tears to my eyes. That was how much I loved you. It was like you were my other piece of the puzzle, we fit together. There was no me without you. 

The silly thing is... I thought it was the same for you. 

The first time you confessed your feelings for me, you said that a life without me would be darkness without light. That you've lost me once and you realize that you never want to lose me again. And I fell for those words. Like a fool, I believed you were my destiny, my happily ever after. And I thought I was yours. 

Move on...
It seemed so easy for people to say.
But how do you move on and continue living when one part of your heart is gone?
That void of emptiness, the jolt of memory everywhere I looked and in everything I did.

I loved you so much that I embraced your all. Your faults, your weaknesses... I loved them all.
Some tell me that I brainwashed myself to accepting less than what I deserved, others call me a fool for still defending our love even after you left. But despite everything, I still love you. I never thought I would continue loving you after the hurt and betrayal you inflicted on me. 

Like a dagger, you pierced my heart, mind, and soul with every word. 


4 years we've been together, not counting the additional year we knew each other as friends. I loved you even before we began. The fear of losing you made me cautious in accepting you as my partner because I knew that it would break me if we didn't work out and we end up losing this friendship.

Do you remember this? The day you surprised me by posting this on your Instagram, this public display of affection. It was just a few months ago. I asked you what made you do this, knowing that you are someone who would never do something like this. You didn't like attention. 

You said... 

"Because I really feel that way, and I meant every word. I'm so happy with you"

I never knew forever was so short.
What happened since then? 
The day you left, you said that you had doubts the past 4 years together. 
You don't know if all the things you've done for me were out of love
You don't know if you proposed because you love me or because you felt pressured.
Am I to believe that all the promises and words you've said were just you in denial or us in a delusion that we are happy together? 

For weeks, I kept replaying the past 4 years of memories in my mind.
Went through every conversation we ever had, the photos, the videos, everything.
Searching for signs that our relationship was cracking. 
Signs that you started falling out of love with me
Signs of you having doubts and thoughts of letting go of this relationship.

All those happy memories in my head. 
The laughter and smile on your face, was it real? 
Everything you said, when you said you were so happy with me and that you couldn't wait to start life with me
Were you really happy then? 
Or was I just so focused on my own feelings and on our relationship, in my own world that I neglected how you feel and was oblivious that you were slipping away?

Going through all our photos, all our videos, the IG Stories everything I can't believe it. I don't see it. I was truly happy with you and I truly believe that you loved me once upon a time. That you were happy, that you really saw a future with us in it. 


The Proposal

Was it just a dream?
The words you said as you proposed to me still rings in my ears. With tears in your eyes, you said we've been through so much together but there is no one else you would like to spend the rest of your life with. And I felt the same. I kept questioning you why did you propose because you told me that you weren't ready. But you told me that you were and that you knew for sure that I was what you wanted. 

But on the day that you left, you told me that you no longer see a future with us in it.
You were no longer sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with me.
That you had doubts. That you were not sure if everything that you've done for me was it because you loved me or because you wanted ammo to shut me up whenever I doubted your love.

That the reason you propose was because of being pressured to propose.
But did I not tell you to forget about the deadline? I told you that I was no longer in a hurry to get married because what is waiting another 2 years if we've got the rest of our lives together? Most importantly, I wanted you to be sure of us. 

You're someone that only does things you are sure off. You wouldn't propose to me even when I was so desperate and we fought so many times about my insecurities. I had this fear that you would leave me. But through your actions, your words, you assured me that it was the right time when you proposed. That you are really ready and you are so sure. I know how much you planned everything, from the ring to the proposal. 


The biggest hurt wasn't you calling off the wedding.
It was you giving up on us and tarnishing the past 4 years of memories together.

The past four years, we've encountered people who were against our relationship, friends who judged our relationship because of how it looked... but throughout those 4 years, you calmed those doubts and thoughts in my head. That it doesn't matter what people think of us as long as we are clear about ourselves. You never let anyone plant any seed of doubt into our relationship. Because you were so sure.

Through all my insecurities, my abandonment issues, my fears you assured me that this was it. 
We were it. You would never give up on us. 


4 years ago

Scrolling back to the messages we had when we were just friends.
Do you remember the days where I was your world?

We could talk from morning to night, we enjoyed each other's company, we laughed and joked together. You were my best friend and you said I was yours.

But slowly, you started not reciprocating.
My messages just left unread or without any replies.
How did I not realize this?
You always said that it's because you're busy, you're occupied with work.
I kept telling myself to see that you're working hard for us and it's ok if you're not there for me at times. 


Do you remember this?

We did not expect this relationship to even reach this point.
We thought we would just be friends.
But from that friendship, we came to realize that we wanted to be more than friends
From the start of our relationship, it had always been forever

Not just a fling, not just to test things out but both of us considered carefully because we knew if we were to start this relationship, we might risk losing our friendship if it didn't work.

Those memories of us just as friends. The goofy banter, just relaxed conversations...
We looked forward to seeing each other every day even though we were already meeting daily.

No pretense, we didn't need to impress each other, and yet we were so comfortable being around each other. 


When we first got together you told me that you felt that I was too good for you.

That I deserved someone better. You were worried that you weren't enough for me.
I thought I did what I could to make you feel that you were good enough or even much more than I could ask for. It was never your looks or your achievements that made me fall in love with you. It was always your heart and how you were already a part of it even before we got together. You promised to always be honest with me about your feelings.

You were never the planner, the thoughtful one that thinks of surprises or gifts or activities.
And I learned to accept you for who you are. Even with your friends and your family, you were never the one to plan anything. I was the one who would remind you about birthdays and arranged for gifts for your family. I learned to be grateful for every day we're together and those days where you surprise me, I knew that you really went out of your way to do it which made me appreciate it more. 

Do you remember this painting? 
The painting that we each painted one side 
Putting it together to be one 
That we would hang it at our home 
That you left behind the day you left

I thought that things were getting better 
But never did I expect you were to tell me you no longer wanted to be with me a day after you bought my wedding band 

Every single minute we had together, regardless if it is was just us doing your laundry together, was enough. Because I knew that life isn't just filled with those special dates and gifts but it's those mundane daily work that makes a big part of our life. You once told me that you feel so comfortable around me, so at peace, at rest. That you are just happy not doing anything with me by your side. 

But never did I expect that one day you would tell me that this was a sign you don't love me.
That you not planning for dates and not taking initiative equals to you not loving me.
That this made you doubt if you really loved me and this would be a reason for you to leave.


Our first fight

During those early days of our relationship, I wanted to run away so many times when we had conflict and disagreements. I felt that maybe we were better off as friends, we're so different individuals. Do you remember what you told me? 

It's not about how compatible we are. If we weren't compatible, we wouldn't have progressed as friends to starting this relationship together. For this relationship to work, it's if we want or don't want this relationship. You asked me then, 

"Do you want or don't want this relationship to work? Do you still see us together? If yes, then let's make it work because we can make it work. But if no, then we'll just let it go because there is no point holding on if you don't want it"

That was when I realized how much I loved you. And how much you loved me and wanted this to work. And those words of yours have been etched in my memory, each time we fight, each time we argue... to never give up because I want this relationship. But I am human, so often as I grow weak, I needed you to hold on to me; to hold on to us. 


Two years ago, we were at our breaking point. 
I questioned you if you were sure?
Because I felt your doubts through all your words and action.
But you assured me that you were sure, that we will journey together.
You convinced me to give us another chance


During that period, I lost sight of a future with us in it
I wanted to give up
I thought that leaving you, you would be happier

Once again, you assured me
That you love me
That everything would get better 
Assured me that you would never give up
That we will make this work
That nothing was impossible


I wanted to leave.
I felt that our relationship was so damaged, so fragile
That at any point, it would just crack into a million pieces
But you told me that we can always start anew
We can learn from the past 
And move into a better future

I was worried about the baggage we were carrying
But you said to "Travel light"

That we will still make mistakes
Not to expect to change each other but to improve ourselves to be a better partner 

"But the most important thing is for us to learn how to move on from it using love"

I believed you
I listened and held on
Growing to love you more and more each day
I did my best to work on myself 
You acknowledge that I was getting better

On that day when I asked you to give us another chance
Not to give up on us
That we've been through it once, and we can go through it again

You said we had too much baggage
That it was impossible for things to get better
That we were so damaged 

What happened?
Where was the person who assured me and told me everything is possible
As long as we are willing to work on it
As long as we learn how to move on with love

I failed to notice that after each fight, although I came out stronger and ready for worse to come, you came out battered and tired, filled with fear


The End

That final day, when you came to tell me that this is the end
I asked you for another chance.
One more week, one more month... I wasn't ready to give up on us.

But you came with your heart hardened, steadfast in your decision that you are leaving
And there was nothing I could say or do.
You blindsided me into giving us a week to have a break, calm down and think things through.

In that week's time, I was reflecting on myself, our relationship, and what we can do to be better.
But in that week's time, you were preparing your heart and mind to leave.
You had already packed up all your belongings and left without my knowledge.
That break was never meant for us to work things out. 
Our relationship never had a chance.

You had already made up your mind the day you asked for a break and you just came by to inform me of your decision and to force me to accept it. You left, dumped, and discarded me like a piece of tissue that no longer has any value. And yet, when I asked you if you were dumping me, you insisted that you are not dumping me, that we are just breaking up. It was never a discussion. 
How is it a mutual breakup when I had no say in this decision? 

I went down on my knees, begging you to give me.. to give us another chance
With your cold hard eyes, you pushed me aside and said this was for the better
But at the same time, I could see you were breaking down inside
That this was hard for you 
(or am I just delusional thinking that you wished you didn't have to make this decision)
As much as my heart was breaking into a million pieces
If you were so sure that you would be happier, I knew I had to let you go
I stayed composed, gave you the final hug, told you to forget all the pain and just remember the happy moments we had together, and bid you farewell

What you did after you left was a second stab into my heart
You immediately cut off all forms of contact
Erased my existence in your life, like I never existed 

You said that you had to face the consequences of your actions
Yet you continue to hide behind your friends and your family
The mess you left behind
I had to clean it up on my own
You forced me to communicate with you only through a third party
You refused to give me any form of closure
You only cared about your own

At the same time, 
It was like I was painted as the villain and yourself as the victim 
I lived the next few weeks in the darkest depths of my soul
Beating up myself over the decision that YOU made
You left me and yet it was like I was the reason 

I questioned my whole being
My worth, my purpose, my identity
What did I do that was so wrong for you to do this to me? 
Were you not the one who left? 
Was I really such a horrible and toxic partner to you?
Did I deserve this?

When we first met, you had nothing
No stability, No goals, No dreams
Spending your day in day out with no purpose 
Filled with insecurities and inferiority 

You said it with your own words the day you left
You are a better man today 
You've grown so much in your career, your goals, your confidence, everything
That being with me made you who you were today
If I was such a toxic partner, would you be who you are today? 

Do you remember you once told my mother?
That you were very lucky
And you were grateful that I was not demanding
That I never asked of anything from you
All I wanted was for you to love me
And all she asked of you was to not take me for granted and to not hurt her little girl's heart

Because my dad left
I grew up constantly questioning my worth
Wondering why was I not enough for him to stay
You helped me remove that dagger, to heal and to move on
Only to use that very same dagger to inflict the exact same pain


Farewell my love

4 years...
I never thought forever would be so short and I never realize that 4 years would be so insignificant that you could just end everything. You told me that the past 4 years were real. And I believe that it is real but how am I to believe that the man who was counting down to our wedding one week prior, excited and couldn't wait to get married to suddenly telling me he no longer sees us together? That you have been running away from your real feelings and your doubts, that you have been lying to me about your true feelings and hiding them from me.


This was just a few months before you left.
And just two weeks prior, we were celebrating my birthday, Christmas, New Year
You were counting down to the day I am to be your wife and you were so excited and couldn't wait for us to be married. You left me the day after you bought my wedding band. 

What do I believe? You saying it was real or you saying that you've wanted to leave the past 4 years when we were together? 

How did things turn out so wrong?
I did everything to accept you as who you are and as my partner.
Learned not to compare you with anyone else and I did all I could to assure you that I am happy with you which I really am.

Do we fight? Yes of course we do. Which couple doesn't?
Are our fights explosive at times? Yes... so let's go find out how to fight right. Let's get better help to be a healthier individual and healthier couple together. 

But how did it end up with you using the EXACT same reason I used when I wanted to give up two years ago? You said that we're wrong together, there is a fundamental problem in our relationship, that the core of our relationship is wrong. That we are not compatible together and there is no point in trying to make it work any longer. All of the sudden, compatibility becomes such a huge factor in whether we were going to work on our relationship together. 

I found out later that there were so many people around you who have been feeding you with doubts, fears, and lies
Planting seeds into your mind
Making you feel that our relationship was hopeless and wrong
That it wasn't worth fighting for
That we are not meant to be and we will never be happy
That these people whom I trusted to help us was actually giving you more reasons and assurance to leave
What hurt me most was that it got to you and it was too late for me to do anything


Looking back at our relationship, I guess I had always hoped that things would get better.
That after we were married you would love me more.
If we were staying together, I would feel less lonely.
That at least we were together 
I held on to all the Happy moments together
That we can be happy

All the time with you made me believe that's all I deserved.
That you were all I deserved and nothing more.
But I realize now that I don't need to compromise on how I want to be loved.
I deserve to be loved the way I want... not give in to the way that you love me and compromise to the things that I wanted from my partner.
That I did not need to justify the amount of attention or love I needed from you.
I kept closing one eye to the times I felt alone, to the times your heart wasn't with me

They say that every relationship has one law:
"Never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you're there"

I've lost count of the number of days where I've cried myself to sleep. 
The days when what I needed was my partner to comfort me and assure me without me saying anything
Where I did not need to explain myself, justify or beg for your time
Without feeling guilty 
I forgot when was the last time we laughed together

How did I not realize all these moments and just kept focusing on making the relationship work? Looking back at our memories together, the signs have always been there. 

When you would rather spend time watching videos and playing games than to give me your attention.
Even during the times where we eat together, you will be on your phone
But you would give 100% attention when you were out with other people but never with me
When you would always be tired and wanted to rest when you were with me but was always full of energy and up for it whenever your friends call
When you would always reply to messages and pick up calls if they were from anyone else but me
And I would settle and allowed all these on the basis that you had work, you don't see your friends often, you are always spending time with me

I failed to realize how much you took me for granted
That I was never your priority
When how everyone around me noticed and realized everything that was happening
But I was so blinded with love that I accepted and allowed you to treat me in this manner
And you kept me quiet with your favourite justification - that you were once supporting me financially and using money as proof that you loved me

When did I start to not voice out my unhappiness to you because I did not want you to feel that you weren't right for me? Because I could not bear losing you, I kept quiet. As long as you were happy, I just carried all those emotions and accepted you for who you are. I magnified all the things I loved about you, all the sacrifices you've made, and downplayed all the things I hated in our relationship. 

To the point that I lost my identity
There was no more Miriam, there was only Joel's fiance 
I did not know who I was and what my purpose was
I spent my every being to support you, build you up, be your wife, be the mother to your children
Putting aside my dreams and making your dreams my own
Never did I expect that one day, you would no longer see me as an equal
That you would start looking down on me
That I would be not worth holding on to
That you no longer was proud to call me your partner 

Even after you left until today nearly two months later... 
I still can't comprehend what happened. 
Everyone tells me to just accept the reasons you gave me and move on. 
Stop questioning it or trying to find out why. 
But if you know me, I think you know that I need that closure. I need to know.

Was I not enough for you to stay?
Were we not enough for you to fight for this relationship to work?
Was being together with me makes you feel more miserable than not being with me? 
Are you happier now that we are no longer together? 

Someone asked me if you were to realize that you made a mistake
If you were to come back, would I take you back?
Without hesitation, I said Yes

They called me a fool
They say that I deserve someone better.
But all I wanted was you... all I wanted was us. 

Though I thought I had another 40 years down the road with you
I'm letting you go because I love you and you will always have a place in my heart 
Despite the hurt, I still find myself loving you and thinking about you, about us

But, if I was the cause of your pain and tears,
I hope that you are happier now
I'm sorry for making you lose sight of our future together 
For playing a part in making you no longer see happiness in our relationship 
For not being someone you can be proud of 
For not being enough for you to stay
I pray that God will surround you with people who really care about your best interests
And who cares enough to tell you from right to wrong
I don't believe that God would put us together and make us go through everything we've gone through for us to end this way
But I believe that He has greater plans for both you and me 

Finally, I forgive you and I forgive myself. 
For whatever that has happened and for all that is to come 
I will never regret the memories we've had together
I'm looking forward to the day where this story no longer brings tears to my eyes
You will always be my greatest love story